Blended Together in Love

When two people meet and fall in love they typically don't take the time to fully consider the extent to which their love will change their lives, especially in a blended family. From day one we've laid everything out on the table. Blending a family is a journey, one that will have some steep valleys and high mountains. It is 100% worth it!

Strong blended families who have Christ at the center require patience, trust, and are guaranteed growth. Life has taught me that when we work through the nitty gritty and are willing to swallow our pride, we learn more than we can imagine. This applies in marriage and in parenting. We begin to gain insight for ourselves, but also our spouses, and our children.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

~Philippians 4

When we have an open heart and mind and are willing to apply Gods wisdom, we find ourselves getting closer to God. When we practice this, we're also helping set an example for our children who begin to develop heartfelt relationships and intentionality through unity in a blended family that hopefully will also apply to everyday life.

Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

~ 1 Corinthians 13

Adjusting to married life is a huge adjustment and when we sprinkle in children daily life can become even more complicated. Personally, I've never experienced the blending of a family, but the Lord has blessed me with examples, mentors, and other families that I now realize God placed in my life early on in life and for preparation for today. Before marriage I gathered all necessary clues, asked a lot of questions, and researched how to have a godly blended marriage. Because I naturally can relate to children, I wasn't worried about gaining bonus children. I knew to follow my bonus sons lead and allow our relationship to form organically. God's way of blending leads to family unity but requires intentionality on our part. His children are God-given assignments for us to raise and nurture. Neither my spouse nor I are no longer alone. We are now a unified team which is a blessing.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.

~Proverbs 3

One of the most challenging components of blending a family are external influences such as relatives, friends, and acquaintances from earlier in our lives that can affect the family unit as a whole today. Maybe these are family members or friends who helped with the children when mom or dad were single or acquaintances who were present in our lives such as other single individuals who once held space in our lives, but no longer do due to whatever reason. Then there's the ages of the children and the stage in their life's that can challenge the dynamics of blending a family. And blending cultures can also make an impact on the family unit. Once we establish who's influencing our children boundaries can be put in place. Boundaries guard the marriage as well as the wellbeing of children so trust in the Lord and the spouse is important. He knows his family well and you know yours.

If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.

~Romans 12

Baggage.... All of us have baggage and left over pain we tote around whether we like it or not. Naturally it'll surface while dating and most definitely in marriage. Just as soon as we feel we are healed something triggers the pain and we're taken right back to the past. When you've experienced divorce it's like an open wound that needs healing. When dating there are moments you feel healed, other times when you feel tender, and moments it feels like the scabs being torn off and salt is being poured on the wound. It's important to notice the baggage we carry around before blending families because it affects the relationship with our spouse, the children, and can even affect other family members.

Like in Genesis 27:40, we all carry a sword of some kind, usually from our past life, former marriage, parents, in laws, trauma or maybe from our older children we've raised. The problem is when we live by the very thing that holds us captive, we're allowing Satan into our heart and our marriage. The baggage we hang onto and lug around bears weight on our spouse, which begins to chip away at the marriage. It's like a dirty, stained wash rag that we keep rinsing out, but for whatever reason the stain never washes out. The past will affect our actions and interactions with our spouse if we don't wash it out of our lives. It determines how we love, engage, and whether or not we will allow the laundry to hang dry and air out or not. Imagine speckles of stains being pain stained on the washrag. If not washed out fully and if left unattended, the speckles of pain remain and will creep into our future because it was never treated. My suggestion is, to invest in a stain stick asap. A new marriage is an opportunity for a new chapter in your life and you don't want Satan to rob you of your future.

You will live by the sword and you will serve your brother. But when you grow restless, you will throw his yoke from off your neck.

~Genesis 27

Not considering practical things like schedules, commitments such as volunteering, sports, extracurricular activities, and practicing boundaries can build resentment and frustration with our spouse and even with the children when blending a family. When I was single, I volunteered my time in the community a lot. I would volunteer at church, at my children's school, for whatever activity they were involved in, and for work. I was putting myself out there to gain new opportunities, to make connections, to make new friends, and was also considering the possibility of meeting my future spouse, but that's no longer the case. Priorities have shifted. My time with God comes first, marriage is second, and then there's the children. Work, community, and common-sense stuff like activities as a family and everyone's individual needs are sprinkled in along with fertilizing a marriage.

The reality is when you're blending a family there are parenting plans, schedules for the children, your spouse, and yourself. It is vital to reassess the family priorities and make adjustments that better fit the new family dynamic. This means someone may need to sacrifice something and most likely it'll need to be two-fold to help the home run smoothly. New rules will be set to keep track of where everyone is, who they are with, and to set a calm tone throughout the home. This is to keep order in the home, to train the kids to be disciples, obedient, and godly. Having order in the home also helps prioritize the marriage because if both spouses have peace in knowing the children are home safe and well then, you're better able to focus on each other.

It's important as a blended family to handle issues with the children in a way that leaves both spouses comfortable. Communication is key. This is discussed prior to marriage in an attempt to honor each other's parenting style and what was prior to meeting each other, but also, it's an opportunity to embrace a shift that is sure to take place. Discipleship in the lives of our children should mirror Jesus' focus with His disciples. Jesus taught His disciples the right way to live so they would correct their sinful behavior. In blending families both spouses parenting styles are highlighted and their opportunity to observe, ask questions, and discuss behaviors within the home should be welcomed. When we allow discipleship to guide us in handling behavioral issues within the home, we are given an opportunity to avoid reacting in the moment and instead to seek God on how to respond to situations with a fresh new perspective in new situations.

Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.

~Proverbs 22

Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.

~1 Peter 4

A huge and essential priority in blending a family is spending time with our spouse. This time around it isn't like dating in your twenties. Children are at the forefront even when they shouldn't be and it's because there was a period of time being single when the children had us all to themselves. They were priority over all else. In blending a family, a major shift happens. A godly realignment naturally should occur. Having discussions with the children prior to dating, during dating, and prior to marriage are important and are opportunities to explain to the children what life will look like when mommy and daddy remarry. I learned early on after the divorce the importance of not making my children the center of everything. There was an essential period for prioritizing healing by helping them gain the tools needed to better themselves, but then handing their healing over to God was also important. We must trust the process of healing and of growing into the future our heavenly Father has in store for us. Better preparing the children for the future when mom or dad remarry helps greatly with the transition of blending families.

Family meetings... I cannot stress the importance of family meetings. It doesn't matter the children's ages. Do not shield your children from the hard realities of blending families and the challenges that come into play. Truth is, our Father doesn't like divorce so with divorce there are many opportunities for Satan to creep in. There are two forces always at work in the world-- good and evil. God is good, and Satan is evil. Family meets are an opportunity for everyone in the family to feel heard and to feel seen. I encourage our children to be truthful about their feelings. I encourage them to be authentic and real, but with grace, kindness, and respect for others. A lot can be revealed in a family meeting. There may be tears, laughter, or harsh words, but with God covering your family meetings are an opportunity for growth and healing.

Just look at me, talking about the children again... See what I mean?

Love on your spouse! Spend time with your spouse by revisiting your first date, asking a lot of questions, getting curious, and by listening and tuning into your man. The listening part is super important, especially for a woman and mother because we are so easily distracted by all the things in life. This is a big one for me! I've had to learn to set the tone for date night with my man by turning off notifications on my phone and letting my daughter know that when we're on a date we need alone time (no interruptions please unless it's important or is an emergency). Outside of our relationship with God, our marriage is our sole priority relationship. Many times, we become so focused on blending with the children and checking in on their wellbeing that we forget to invest in our spouse. Go on date nights! Lock the bedroom door, light candles, and have godly blissful sex, snuggle up on the couch (without the kids) and watch Netflix, go to all your favorite places in town, take showers together, get outside and be in nature, and laugh together. No matter how busy life gets with work, the children, and all the many demands always remember that the marriage and your spouse should be first priority.

Here are some tips:

1. Put God first. (He should be Lord of your life and marriage.)

2. Set time aside each evening for you and your spouse to pillow talk, snuggle, and make love.

3. Be open to what your spouse needs (even if you thought you were already giving it to them).

4. Listen attentively to what's going on in your spouse's life (with work, the guys, and yes, even with the ex... just be mindful of how much energy you're exerting).

5. Go on dates! (Hire a babysitter or trade off with family, friends or neighbors for date nights. Make it happen!)

6. Plan a night away or better yet, a weekend to keep the flames flickering and with no distractions.

7. Learn about something that interests your spouse so that you can engage in his or her interests.

8. Encourage your spouse to use their gifts (even better, shine bright in their gifts).

9. Flirt!

10. Make communication a priority.

11. Pray together!

The key to a peaceful and joyous blended family is to love each other intentionally and to create the family you both desire by putting God first, your spouse and marriage second, and then the children. As you invest in each other and the children selflessly everyone will grow together with Christ at the center of the family, while loving each other more deeply, and bonding with each other organically.

With only four months under our belt, we are still very much in training and always will be. We absolutely do not have all the answers and are learning as we grow. I've become passionate about the topic of blending together in love because the Lord has blessed me in ways I never knew was possible. I've also noticed that there is a lot of negativity in our society when it comes to blending families, step parenting and being a stepchild. I'm choosing to help cast away the negativity and highlight the positivity in blending families. This post is jam packed with a lot of helpful information that I plan to pick and pull from and elaborate on more over time. I don't want our family to just exist and tolerate each other, but rather love, honor, and respect one another just as Jesus did with His disciples. I'm also aiming to help our children feel the Lords blessing of having a Christ centered blended family.

Most importantly I desire for our marriage to thrive. I intend to live out the rest of my days alongside my husband and know all too well the more we as Christians shine in His glory the enemy looks for any and all cracks to get in so he can attempt to destroy us. Well, not today Mr. I've been praying for this man for a very long time. From the moment we met I knew there was a very big chance we'd be spending the rest of our lives together. It is true that when you know you know. God is covering us! Storing blended families aren't the result of a single prayer. Strong blended families require application of the Word of God, willingness to work toward growth, and the ability to apply the wisdom of God in all situations!

During a During a beautiful, simple, and very sweet marriage ceremony, we stood before witnesses-- our children and vowed before the Lord to honor, respect, and love one another until the end of our days on earth.

My goal is that they may be encouraged in heart and united in love, so that they may have the full riches of complete understanding, in order that they may know the mystery of God, namely, Christ

~Colossians 2

It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

~1 Corinthians 13:7

Photos taken by Matthew Hardin and Jasmine Alsobrook.

This post was inspired by the Better Than Blended Devotional from Better Than Blended, LLC, an organization dedicated to "Building Blended Families That Thrive" at betterthanblended.com.